Mosfilm
Cine Concern "Mosfilm" Invest Media
present
a satirical comedy
HORSE IN THE COAT!
or DIM RELATIVES
Alexander Peskov Yulia Yurchenko
I now give the floor to the deputy of the city Duma
Igor Podberezov,
Anton Batyryov Evgeny Kosyrev
- One, two,,, - It works,
The cast: Nikolai Valuev, Sergei Badyuk, Vitaly Khaev, Pyotr Korolev
Today we all rose to fight corruption!
Olga Khokhlova, Natalya Batova Vladimir Figurovsky, Marina Barsukova Svetlana Josefiy
In the renovated building of the Prosecutor's
work will be brimming,
And more lock-ups, so to say,
Script by Vadim Novak, Grigory Fedorov Vladimir Vinogradov, Dmitry Makarov
with real long terms!
Music by Dmitry Polukhtin
Hurrah, comrades!
A good start!
You'll be the first one, This way, please,
- What? No! - This way,
No, no! Help!
Please don't! No!
Photography by Vladimir Zvezdochkin Evgenia Pritchina
You saw prosecutors in your dream again?
Yes, It's a real nightmare!
Produced by Vladimir Vinogradov Pavel Vinogradov, Andrei Koldomasov Maria Menshova
At the longer the dream - the bigger this fright,
Directed by Dmitry Makarov
- You mean they grow in size? - No, they multiply!
What erotic dreams!
When you see them coming,
it will be worse than any erratic dream!
I hope they'll come in a car,,,
- ,,, 'cause you're a deputy, - You fool,
God forbid, Don't you jinx me,
Darling - happy birthday!
Thank you,
Speaking about my birthday,
At least today,,,
,,, you could move your brother away from the windows,
No, Away from the windows, someone may ‘nail’ him,
Oh he'll nail himself, Such is his ambition,
A very talented boy,
He promised me to, but didn't keep his word,
Promised what?
To nail his balls to the pavement,,,
,,, if I don't leave my post,
Don't be angry at him,
He has such a rich imagination,
Oh yeah, a poor relative with rich imagination,
Why are you so sour, Mikheich?
- Hung over? - Don't piss me off,
- I've a terrible headache, - It's amazing,,,
,,, that you drink so much with a job like this,
What if traffic police stop you?
They won't, I'm a driver for a deputy,
And should your master notice?
He won't, Or, if he does, Ira will cover up for me,
So good to have such ‘Ir-relatives’,
- Ira’s my relative, - Well, yes,
Ira, what have you done?
It’s Special Diamond!
And so? I can’t drink some petty Courvoisier on your birthday,
Are you serious? It’s not imported anymore,
You know the cost of one bottle?
So what?
And here's to Igor for Ira,,,
Oh, my darling,,,
Now I gonna indulge my depu-tee,
Don't you call it depu-tee!
Now we'll, you know,,, And then - a banquet,
Wait, A banquet? What banquet?
Don't worry, everything will be very modest,
Modest?
Last time, I nearly had to step down
because of your 'modest' banquet,
This time, it'll be even more modest,
- Only a close crowd, - Oh yeah,
I can bear with my colleagues,
but why should I bear with the drunken mugs
of your relatives on my birthday?
We'll mix them up with some bohemians,
Say, with an erotic show 'Barabara Grandpas',
I heard they are just something!
Also - the small fireworks from Singapore,
- Is that all? - Yes,
No, My mom is coming,
I agree to anything except your mom,
Too late, She's on the way here,
A banquet is a public event, ,,,
,,, and you as the future mayor maybe,,,
,,, should take part in it,
Consider it your work,
An unexpected New Year's surprise,,,
,,, happened to Platon Koroedov, ,,,
,,, Director of Improvement,,,
,,, at the Department of Development,
A bribe of 400 thousand Euros in marked bills
Wait, what the,,,
,,, and the compliment of handcuffs and police escort,
Mister Koroedov was caught red-handed,,,
,,, by law-enforcing men in his own office,
And now, instead of Christmas holidays on the Maldives, ,,,
,,, the dirty official is in for a trip,,,
,,, to the Non-Black Earth Belt,
Non-Black Earth Belt? Is it some kind of a resort?
I wanna go there!
Oh, come on!
If you’re so developed, why taking bribes in your own office?
You dimwit, ,,,
,,, to whom did you give the briefcase instead of Koroedov?
The restaurant 'Three Beers',
'Three Bees', you idiot,
Third table near the stage, a blue suit,
- I came up and said: "It's for you", - And then?
He looked into the briefcase and said: "Thanks",
- I bet he said that, - And then I left, Why asking?
You gave the briefcase to the wrong man,
How you gonna return it?
I'll annul him and take away the briefcase,
- And if he's from the organs? - The more so,
I'll,,,
I admire your suicidal optimism,
Though, this time your intellect of a caveman,,,
,,, did a good favor to us,
What good favor?
Our rivals brought this briefcase to Koroedov, ,,,
,,, right to his office, Understand?
No, Uncle, I mean - Sir,
Sir, eh,
Tell them to bring my porridge,
- Make sure it's warm, - Yes, Sir,
Some relative,
God forbid,
Ten years in prison!
Your old act again?
Stop hugging this costume of a prisoner,
Every time some of your acquaintances is arrested,
you try it on,
Is it some kind of ritual or what?
You, fool! Ten years in prison!
Koroedov will have to wear this 'couture' now,
I wouldn’t like to find myself in his shoes,
As you wish,
Yeah, guys, The clouds are gathering,
Yet another one of us,,,
Don't overdo it,
And you idling around again?
'tis not my blame I was born strong,
My sit-ups are ideal like reflexes,
I sit down on the WC with my back straight,
No wonder,
120 kilograms of perfect conviction,
But I stick to the principle:
train twice, put on weight but once,
The cook will come soon, time to eat something,
Give me your hand,
You jerk,
Wojciechowski, a journalist shouldn't be so fat,
I'm no fat - I'm respectable looking, Give me a hand,
Don't be such a phrasemonger,
It's you journalists who are phrasemongers, ,,,
,,, while we, artists of cinematography, work silently,
By the way, I'm the winner of the Teffi Award,,,
,,, in documentaries nomination,
Give me a hand,
Give me a hand, Damn,
On you fly,,,
Stretch, Good,
- Devil, - Not devil, but your mommy,
Peter darling, I cooked your faves - ,,,
,,, pancakes with sour cream,
Your old tricks again?
Peeking at your neighbor?
- But, Mom!,,, - Yes I am, Beware: ,,,
,,, her centauruses will and trample you with their hooves for this,
- But, Mom!,,, - You like her?
- Then go and take her! - But she is married,
I don't care! I want to have grandchildren,
- You will, - In my lifetime!
I was doing the washing,
Glafira! Didn't I forbid you to make photos, ,,,
,,, the more so selfies in my house,
- Sorry, just one snapshot, - Whatever,
Delete everything,
Our mistress is so spiteful!
How did she ever get married with such a character?
It's a long story, you know,
As a child, she knew she'd get married to a rich man,
So, she studied auctions, exhibitions, ,,,
,,, elite resorts, yachts, golf, etc,
She even took part in a beauty contest
Miss Gas 13,
Yeah, and then she chose a fashionable profession,
- Of a greenkeeper, - It’s a marine profession?
Greenkeepers watch over the grass lest someone steals it,
She watched and watched,,,
,,, until she was hit into her head with a golf ball,
They barely revived her, That's how she met him,
You son of a pig!
Pervert! Pork eating sausage!
Scram, you little devil!
What a beast! Petrovich, let's roast it!
This piglet has really big balls,
Once in the car, ,,,
,,, the mistress mentioned diamonds on the phone,
She said she'd fill Gagha's heart with diamonds,
And I heard they possess,,,
,,, ten millions worth of jewelry, Imagine that!
You can buy heluva body builders on this money,
You mean, they stick jewels into their pets asses,,,
,,, but they've no brains to raise our wages?
- Right you are, - We’re satisfied with our wages,
Enough, I proclaim your rally closed,
Okay, Evdokia, you take away the coleslaw,
I am Agnessa!
Work with your sneakers, rottweilers,
Irina Georgievna, sorry for interrupting,
- But they've brought lobsters, - And so?
With some claws missing,
Let the supplier replace them with whole ones,
I told them, but they said,,,
,,, they can't answer for the lobsters' antemortem injuries,
Then tell them: ,,,
,,, should there be a single claw missing, ,,,
,,, tax agents will visit them tomorrow,,,
,,, and will protect the rights of one-clawed lobsters,
Okay, lower it down!
55 is the beginning of life!
Vilen Kimovich, maybe I should,,,
Higher, higher,
You'll find the address of Podberezov,,,
,,, on the chair,
- Repeat what I said, - Podberezov, I got you,
You'll give him the briefcase and tell him: ,,,
,,, this is the documents from Vilen Kimovich,
And remember, you dimwit: ,,,
,,, just another flaw - and you'll be fired,
And I’ll make your portrait by memory,
Don't worry, I won't let you down, you know,
The point is that I know you very well,
God forbid you screw it up,
Then you'd better drown yourself, Go,
Idiot,
We’re leaving our country to idiots,
Gosh,,,
The jubilee?
A present? A present,,,
Right, a present,
This here would do,
Just the right thing,
The husband will be pleased,
and it'll be a good opportunity to meet his wife,
Mommy,,,
Howdy, my darling,
See? A present for our birthday steed,
Entirely handmade!
What's this noise?
My respects, Have you come for long?
- And what is this? - Just look what I've brought!
A handiwork! A rarity!
'twas made by, you know,,,
Tsera,,, Tsinandali!
- No, Tse,,, - Tserikateli?
Exactly! Tseranteli!
Equestrian sport is only for the strongest ones!
Our darling steed!
Isn't two steeds too many for one house?
Oh, come on, don’t develop a complex,
Okay, guys, nice and easy,
Take it into the house,
Dear Irina, Allow me on this,,,
Who?
Your neighbor,
Zuev, To Mr, Podberezov,
With a present,
Let's make a selfie,
Now go to bed lest someone trample you,
Okay, baby,
Okay,
This is stunning,
Those lazybones, can't even answer the door,
I'm, ehh, your neighbor,
I want to congratulate your husband,
I brought a present,
- Pyotr Petrovich? - Yes,
- You came to Igor Nikolaevich? - Yes,
Well, not exactly, I mean,,,
How beautiful, It's for me?
- Yes, - Ira!
'Happy life'
- Who's there? - Our neighbor Zuev,
- He came to see you, - What happened?
Hi, Forgive me for gate-crashing,
I came to congratulate you upon your jubilee,
We live side by side but see so little of each other,
So I thought I'd make the first step to our relations,,,
,,, of friendship,
And, as a token of our friendship - ,,,
,,, this humble present,
One moment,
Be careful,
Nice and easy,
Careful, Move away,
Voila!
'Titanic'!
Made from pure titanium!
- It's for me? - Yes!
It's an exclusive piece - very light,,,
,,, and covered with a 25 carat golden layer,,,
- ,,, of 3 mm, - Wow!
- Gorgeous! - Thank you,
Happy birthday and Happy New Year!
I wish you prosperity in your family and in your work,
Thank you, Pyotr Petrovich,,,
,,, for coming and bringing this wonderful present,
But, you see, the guests will be arriving soon,,,
- Yes, - Yes? I'm sorry,
- Of course, I,,, - Thank you, thank you very much,
Who was this creature?
Zuev,
Our neighbor,
The hereditary king of water closets and bathroom fixtures,
He entertains a childish crush on me,
Eyeing me all the time,
I’ll take his eye then,,,
,,, and will stretch it upon that part of his body,,,
,,, with which he sits on the Titanic,
Ira, I'm warning you,
Igor!,,,
Are you in your right mind?
- I'm just warning you, - Warning?
I knew it wouldn't work,
What do I do now?
I gave them the most expensive water closet!
Holy cow,
- Wherefrom? - A present to our master,
He said to take it away,
If I had such a present,
I'd put it in the centre of my sitting room,
Are you nuts or what? It's a water closet!
So what?
You can’t crap into such beauty,
They say, if you sit on it for ten minutes, ,,,
,,, all your spinal problems will be gone,
Also,,,
You serious?
- A miracle? - It's for real,
Just the right thing for your straight back,
Okay,,,
Stop gazing at it like aborigines,
Okay, let's take it down
to the basement, away from the guests eyes,
The local inhabitants are all jerks here, ,,,
,,, but the job itself is nice,
- In what sense? - It's calm here,
A lot of bonuses, And a lot of fresh air,
- How nice, - Yeah,
Just be more brazen,
Like this: "What ye doing here?"
- You got me? - Yeah,
Good, Now remember: ,,,
,,, this house should be guarded with special zeal,
- Why? - A big bug lives here,
A deputy! So, it's an object of special importance,
- Wow, - Wow it is,
- And this guy? - He's from cottage 10,
WC oligarch Zuev,
What?
The tsar of bathrooms and the ruler of plumbing,
- Big man! - You, hillbilly,
And who are these?
I don't know them, Let’s check it out,
Stick'em up!
Stick'em up, I said,
- Are they real cops? - I don't know,
I dodged the army in a mental clinic and,,,
- Then we shouldn’t take risks, - Right,
I bet that one was thrown away from the army,
I was thrown away, and he was invalided out of it,
With a head injury,
- Friends,,, - Yes, Young men, ,,,
,,, we were just watching the house of deputy Podberezov,
- Nothing more, - I know - ,,,
,,, they are spies!
They’ll see how Podberezov lives, ,,,
,,, then they’ll multiply it by how many deputies,,,
,,, and then they’ll divide it by how much their salary,
Which will lead them to whereabouts of our airdromes,
- How horrible! - How horrible!
I see, Guys, we are not spies,
- We are cinematographers, - Yep,
Making a film for the deputy's birthday,
It's a surprise,
I've prepared a surprise for you, too, One mo,,,
Okay, okay, I'll do it very slow,
Real slow, Okay,,, Here you are,
Look,,, It's a present
- from Father the Frost, - No,
- Five thousand,,, presents! - There are two of us,
Okay, you'll go to the nearest food store, ,,,
,,, break up the money, ,,,
,,, and you'll have five hundred of ten rubles,
Five hundred banknotes, 'Money, money, money,,,'
Podberezov will give us more!
Ten thousand presents!
You rhinoceroses,
Okay, take my ten thousand,,,
,,, earned in the sweat of my brow, Grab it,
Don’t hand it to us,
- Here! - Cover up for me,
You took it? We didn't see each other, okay?
In the sea there is a storm and a real hurricane
All the boats and ships sink down to the bottom of the sea
They sink down with their anchors, they sink down with their sails,
Falling, falling on the bottom golden chests!
Golden chests!
Sunken ships are lying broken Golden chests are lying open
Rubies, diamonds and jewels scatter, scatter all around
If you want to be a rich man and enjoy your life, man
Stay with us, and you'll be chosen our underwater king!
Good afternoon?
Which one of you is Igor Podberezov?
Be sparing with the seconds of your life
Someday, some day you will become aware:
They whizz like bullets right near your head -
Citizen Podberezov?
- Supposedly I am, - Wonderful
The moments, moments, moments of your life,
I have an order,,,
,,, to take you,,,
,,, to the Prosecutor's,
And sometimes it is hard to realize,,,
Which is the first moment and which is the last,,,
For every moment is so meaningful
Its bells are ringing, ringing in your ears
To some the moments only bring disgrace,
Ignominy, to others - life eternal!
Allow me to pack my things,,,
,,, and,,,
,,, say goodbye to my family,
Very well,
,,,and when the moment comes at last - you'll know,,,
- Oh, woe is me! - Stop it!
Then as a gulp of water it will be for you,
A gulp of water on a scorching day
Be careful with every moment of your life -
from the very first and to the very last
Be sparing with the seconds of your life
Someday, some day you will become aware:
Take him away,
They whizz like bullets right near your head -
The moments, moments, moments of your life,,,
Zosya, some coffee with cognac?
Leave me alone,
You know, I took part in the storming of the Parliament,
I mean, I was covering the news, And, imagine, ,,,
,,, when we won, Yeltsin himself talked to me,,,
,,, in his special manner, He was like a Russian Wojciechowski,
- Thunderbird! - What?
Of the revolution,
Why do you mock me?
We could become friends,
Look!
Podberezov!
My sensation! The star in complete shit!
- Get the mike ready, - It's our sensation!
Zosya, wait! I'm not so quick as you,
Wait, I,,,
I'll get in the car by myself,
- Come on! - Get in, be quick,
What are you incriminating to Mr, Podberezov?
No comment,
Right now,,,
,,, we are witnessing a sensation!
A moment ago,,,
,,, deputy Podberezov was detained by the Investigation Committee,
What makes it especially interesting, ,,,
,,, it all happened during Mr, Podberezov's birthday party, ,,,
,,, some days before the New Year,
Heavy is the head left without a crown!
Podberezov, a hitherto favourite of powers that be,
has turned, in a wink of an eye, into a political nobody!
We'd like to hear from a relative, or maybe he's a guest, ,,,
,,, what he thinks about what happened,
Yes, I'm his relative,
For many years I've been fighting under Podberezov's sway, ,,,
,,, in unbearable conditions of slavery, ,,,
,,, without freedom, suffering from corruption,
I've been exposing rogue politicians, ,,,
,,, and now at last the titan Podberezov was defeated!
Now at last I can breathe, you know, ,,,
,,, the exhilarating air of freedom!
Thank you very much,
It's a glorious day for me, ,,,
,,, and the tyrant Podberezov,,,
,,, should be duly punished,
He should scrape snow on the Kola Peninsula,,,
,,, to the end of his days!
Thank you very much,
Thanks for the truth, bro,
Yes, Vilen Kimovich?
Did you fulfill your errand?
Yes, I did everything as you told me,
You, idiot, do you hear me?
What did you say? The signal is not so good,
Go to the Prosecutor's and find out what happened to Podberezov,
And what happened? Oh, really?
Very well, But how?
Use your brains for a change, Just do something,
Well, sis, The party is over,
Your Podberezov ended in a bad way,
Relax, sister,
It's a long time before we’ll see him again,
Off you go, bro,
If we'll see him at all,
He had the scope of a stateman,
And took major bribes!
He'll return an old man,
They'll send him to dig,,,
,,, and carry uranium ore!
Stop talking like an imbecile!
What do you mean?
Why imbecile?
Sorry, sis, I'm just still under the impression,,,
,,, of an interview that I gave to the television,
- What do we do now? - Well,,,
What do we do? Life goes on,
We'll live normally,
What a huge pachette,
Holy cow, a macho set!
They took away your hubby, Do you have any wherewithal?
- In what sense? - In the direct sense,
Do you know what'll happen next? They'll frisk the house, ,,,
,,, they'll block his credit cards, arrest his deposits,
You got my wind? Oh, jackety-jacket,,,
And then they will arrest all the property - ,,,
,,, the house, the cars, Eh?
- You, debile, - Why calling me a debile, dammit,
What about these boxes?
What will happen to me now?
What will happen to you?
You'll go back home to your Mudsville,
- We'll go home together? - Not me!
What will you live on?
We are left without our only breadwinner,
Dog my cats,
It somehow missed my mind,
Now listen to me, sis,
We should palm it all off, see?
- What? - What? -
Podberezov will help you not! Use your brains!
We should quickly sell everything,
And withdraw all the money,
Gimme all the cards with pin codes written on them, see?
What are you sitting?
You know what to do, Come on, dammit,
What a frigging dumb sister that I have,
I like this jackety-jacket,
Excuse me, sir,
You are going to take away my present, don't you,
What do you mean? It’s my present - ,,,
,,, a big watch in a beautiful wrapping,
Oh, really? Horsefeathers!
I remember very well how you presented this cuckoo clock to him,
The time of shell games is over long ago,
You're not in the 1990ies, and I'm not 23, Give it to me!
- Okay, okay, - My dear friends, ,,,
- ,,, why taking away the presents? - I beg your pardon, Madame,
They aren’t presents anymore but material evidence!
I don't want to leave my fingerprints in this house,
Nor do I,
Don't you touch the presents!
Freeze!
Relax, fellas, Your fingers are all around the house,
You'd better think how you'll get away from here,
On every fence there's a journalist,
You'll all get into the criminal news!
Right, friends! We should think about our alibi!
Why we are together here, We need an alibi,
- Give me back the crown! - No way,
Give me back the crown, I said!
In a nutshell, we should sell it all quickly, for any money!
The investigators will come, and you have nothing!
Just sitting here in a bare room,,,
,,, with bare walls and so on,
And you’ll wear mourning and all kind of that jazz,
- Will it mean any harm for Igor? - On the contrary,
Thus we, as his family, will do him a good favor,
With no evidence, they’ll cut down his sentence,
No nothing, No bribes that he took, eh,
No breaking the law that he broke,
Any precious things in the house?
What did he love?
He loved me!,,,
Ira, they all loved you back in our hometown,
Okay: the car, the wine collection,,,
,,, and the horse in the coat, our Mom's present,
- Where are the guests? - They want to leave,,,
,,, and take away their presents, They’re scared,
Scared? That’s good,
Put on black, for them to shed a tear, okay?
Call your muscleheads, I'll need them now,
I'll go and have a smoke,
TO PRISON FOR GOOD REASON!
BRING HIM TO JUSTICE!
Get out,
Hey, hey, let's go,
Down with Podberezov!
Watch the presents,
Cheer up, ladies and gentlemen,
You will all be detained,
And they'll ask you,,,
,,, about all your affairs of the flesh,
While the journalists will fan their fantasies,
- What do you suggest? - I suggest,,,
,,, you help yourselves,,,
,,, by taking part in a charity auction,,,
,,, of pieces of art, eh, and household items,,,
,,, of the prematurely arrested Podberezov,
- Why an auction? - Because they'll ask you,,,
,,, what the hell you were doing here,
And you, fella, will say: I came to a charity auction,,,
- ,,, o protect the rights of,,, - ,,,one-clawed lobsters!
Right you are, bro,
Yes, It's no skin off my nose,
I was helping one-clawed lobsters, Period,
And I don't know anything about Podberezov,
- Right, - Sell us something!
Keep order, All in good time,
Now we'll prepare the lots,
Not so many of them, though,
But, believe me, they're worthwhile to buy,
What have you put on?
What a queer mourning that you are wearing,
Is it some kind of Halloween fancy dress or what?
Oh, I've a fancy hat that I wore at the Derby,
- I'll put it on, - Go ahead,
May I come in?
- What do you want? - Nikolai Sergeich, ,,,
,,, I've brought citizen Podberezov,
Sit down,
Tell him I'll come personally,
Wait here,
He'll sign evidence with his own blood,
We've enough proof to burn him at the stake!
Sanya, I'm on the brink of a heart stroke,
They're close on me, very close,
It's as if I'm balancing on the rope,,,
,,, over the precipice,
If they detained such a person as Igor, ,,,
,,, then I'm absolutely at a loss,
I'd rush to the airport and catch the plane to London,
Okay, I announce the beginning of our charity auction,
Lot number one: a vintage automobile, ,,,
,,, red color, released in 1905,
In pair with a handmade carpet,
Th starting price - 1,5 mln roubles,
I want this car! Ira will die from jealosy!
- Two million, - Two million!
The young Lenin was riding in it to gymnasium,,,
,,, back in his curly days, 2 mln one! 2 mln two!
Add something more to the lot!
Hey, bro! A fur coat, Ira, tell him to add a fur coat!
Come on, you've lots of them!
- I want a fur coat, too! - Go and hang yourselves!
Crocodiles don't wear fur coats!
You're only fit for a saddle-cloth, you, ugly horse!
- Exactly! - Look, Ira, ,,,
,,, bring a fur coat, We must palm off things real quick!
I'll pay 2 mln 200 thou for ditto plus a fur coat!
Okay, 2 mln 200 thou for the whole set of,,,
,,, the carpet, the convertible and a fur coat!
- 2 mln 200 thou,,, - 2 mln 300!
- 2 mln 400! - 2 mln 500!
- 2 mln 600! - 2 mln 800!
- Five million! - Five million! One, two - ,,,
,,, sold!
Freeze!
Come here,
Let's go,
Freeze!
Did they bring you straight from the carnival or what?
Right
They dragged me away from the party table,
Will you excuse me,
I need to handle one man,
I'll be straight back,
We did a good job of it, Mommy,
We sold everything we could,
Here you go,
They'll come with confiscation, ,,,
,,, and you have none,
Relax, I'll go and check whether we have anything else,
You’re gobbling the entire Mendeleev table, eh,
Mother, I need to bring down the stress,
You'd better take a swig of vodka with your mom,
Have a cucumber to chase it down, Come on,
To all the best!
To all the best?
Are you kidding? They arrested Igor!
Soon they'll take away all the rest,
Whoops!
With so little property, ,,,
,,, they can't prove anything,
- What? - Nothing,
Don't chicken out, sis, Your bro will handle everything,
You're right, They'll come and take away everything,
That's what I'm telling you! Confiscation!
There will be confiscation,,,
,,, because it belongs to Podberezov,
- What do we do? - I know what,
- You should get divorced, - What?!
- You're right! - To get divorced?!
- Son,,, - No,
No,
How can we do this during holidays?
You need a lawyer who wouldn't ask,,,
,,, too many questions,
In a nutshell, ,,,
,,, I know a guy,,,
,,, who can register a divorce even on Mars,
Though it'll cost a lot,
May I come in?
And where is Nikolai Sergeich?
He stepped out,
Stepped out?
Well, I never,
He just left his office,,,
,,, with a criminal sitting around here?
Look, I'm not a criminal,
Mind your language,
I came here on my own wish,
They summoned me, so here I am,
I think it must be some mistake,
Everything happens here because of a mistake,
Only the measure of mistakes differs,
Look, there is the presumption of innocence!
As a law man, you should know about this,
Presumption of innocence,
You aren't being sincere,
I’d say, as a law man,,,
,,, and even more than that,,,
Take a seat, please,
You are not in the cinema,
And we don't invite people to entertain them,
Spare our nerves and your own,
Just make,,,
,,, a sincere confession, ,,,
,,, get your sentence,,,
,,, and off you go to a place of detention,
Like, say, Magadan,
Serve your term, ,,,
,,, get released with clean conscience,,,
,,, and forget about all this nightmare,
If you don't stop this 'innocence' talk, ,,,
,,, you will only aggravate your situation,
For every action,,,
,,, there is an equal and opposite reaction,
Newton's third law,
Well, I never,
The puncher,
He dropped by at my office three months ago,,,
,,, and took it for a couple of minutes,
That's a zulu,
Same with people,
They step out for a couple of minutes,,,
,,, and return in fifteen years,
- Fifteen? - Fifteen,
Fifteen years,
Yes, citizen Podberezov, fifteen years,
What are you packing? It’s not yours,
Be off, It’s already mine,
They won't need all these things anymore,
They'll need clothes for cold climate,
And this here is a hush bonus for me,
Or maybe you wanted them for yourself?
No, they are bad for your health,
I won't advise you to,
Hey, it's the masters' clothes,
Oh really?
Didn't you get it, you suckers?
The master will be locked up for real long,
So he won’t be able to pay us,
Consider it my wages and a Christmas bonus,
- You got me, boys? - Hey,,,
But,,, How on earth?
You can’t speak because of the shock, eh?
The circus is closed, The house was emptied,
So rush to the mistress and ask for your compensation,
She'll be afraid to refuse you,
By the way, you may look for some leftovers,
'Annulled'
I undeclare you man and wife,
- Congrats, eh, - Congrats, daughter,
Gosh, you can't even imagine,,,
,,, what we came through because of that felon,
Hey, ho, nevermore,,,
Where you going?
One, two, three, ,,,
,,, four, five, ,,,
,,, six, seven, eight,
Oh, my God!
This is horrible!
Fifteen years!
I know, I know what you want,
I was going to come to you,
Only I couldn't pluck my courage,
But now that I'm here, I'm ready,,,
,,, to confess everything, ,,,
,,, to confess in detail,
I have already repented,
I am ready,,,
,,, to cooperate with the investigation,
I'm tired, Sick and tired,
I want to leave peacefully,
I'll go to Rostov, to my mother,
Sincere,,,
,,, acknowledgement,,,
Freeze! Stick'em up!
Darn it, it's Biba and Boba again,
- Keep your hands up, - What do you want?
Where is the owner of the house?
- Gone to Karaganda, - Changing his residence,
Or, rather, he has already moved there,
We know very well where he has gone,
We saw the news on the TV,
What if you cannibalize the house,,,
- ,,, - and run away to Yalta? - Where?
Yalta, The Crimea is ours, eh,
Look, guys, everything is okay, okay?
The state will take care of him now, ,,,
,,, and this here is our service benefit,
- Yep, - He has been promoted?
Yeah, he's sitting so high now he can see Magadan,
Is Magadan ours?
Look, fellows, ,,,
,,, take this Christmas present from Podberezov, Here,
For your impeccable service,
And here's a pineapple for you,
For us,
- High time to, Thank you, - Yep,
Give way!
The total sum is 12 mln 680 thousand rubles,
- We’ll divide it by three, - What?!
I'll divide YOU by three and multiply you by zero!
You sold MY property, ,,,
- ,,, not yours, eh, - It was a joke, eh,
Though I'm entitled to some interest,
A joke? You sold everything for a song!
It's all that I have! Nothing more is left,
Honey, we forgot about the most important thing,
I mean, the house,
Good night, ,,,
,,, you forgot about the house,
You can't just up and sell it,
It needs a specialist, ,,,
,,, someone who digs in such things,
An estate agent and all that jazz,
Only I'm not going to work on the humiliating,,,
,,, pro-bono basis,
Ira, do you know anyone,,,
,,, to whom you can palm off the house quickly?
Yes, our neighbor Zuev, Speak of the devil,
- You think he'll buy it? - You bet,
He has a crush on me,
Maybe we'll palm you off to Zuev, too?
What do you mean, palm me off?
I'm not some multi-cooker at the flea market!
What an idiot you are!
Stop calling me an idiot!
Just think about this cool combination,
You sell the house to Zuev, marry him and return the money,
You won't even need to move to another house,,,
,,, plus a new rich husband and all that jazz,
Ira, your brother is right!
I'll show you!
Honey, come on, the money does not stink,
Use your head,
Back at home we'll be poor as church mouses!
You forgot how we climbed out of that hole?
You can’t want to return there,
No, No!
If there won't be a wedding,
there will be a funeral,
I,,, I saw people taking away things from your house,
As your neighbor, I'm worried what happened,
Can I be of any help?
Pyotr Petrovich, woe is me,
I was bereaved of my husband!
He fell under wrongful accusations,
My sincere condolences,
You know, I think I'll leave the country,
I need to calm down,
Every corner here reminds me about my poor husband,
But he is no more! I'll never see him again!
It's unbearable to remain in this house,
Sincere acknowledgement,,,
I, Igor Podberezov, hereby confess that,,,
Sorry that I kept you waiting,
I had to finish one case,
So as not shelve it till the next year,
I hate procrastination, you know,
So, you are Igor Podberezov, ,,,
,,, a witness on Koroedov's case,
A witness? You said I'm a witness?
Well, yes,
And I'm warning you: ,,,
,,, for giving false evidence, ,,,
,,, you may be sentenced to five years in prison,
Five years!
Well, at least it's not fifteen years,
Right you are,
Excuse me, may I have some water?
Thank you,
Oh, my God,
Please calm down, What makes you so nervous?
Thank you,
He bought a car for his mistress in your presence, right?
What car?
A 12 mln worth car,
- Ah, a car, - Right,
Yes, it was in my presence,
- Can you testify this? - Of course,
I can testify everything you want,
Put your signatures here,
Thank you, Here?
- Right, - Very well, very well,
Thank you,
Well,
I won't keep you any longer,
You may go home and continue your carnival,
- And happy New Year, - Happy New Year,
Sorry,
And what is this?
Ah, it's nothing,
nothing important, Just a piece of paper,
Why are you tearing it?
I wrote all kind of nonsense there,
- Why are you eating it? - It's very personal,
- That's why, - I must warn you,,,
,,, that hiding important evidence is punished by law,
What did you eat?
Believe me, it's nothing important,
While I was sitting here,,,
,,, I wrote a Christmas poem for my wife,
Okay, you may go, Podberezov,
Drop by at room 115 to put down another signature,
Thank you, thank you,
See you,,, ehh,,, Happy New Year,
- And have a nice Christmas! - You, too,
I need to urgently sell the house,
You must help me a lonely unhappy woman,
I'm sorry for you,
But I'm not an estate agent,
You can simply by this house,
On very good conditions,
Well, it's very appealing,
The panorama is real great,,,
I'd buy it if I had nowhere to live, ,,,
- ,,, - but I do, - Pyotr Petrovich, ,,,
,,, it's no argument for a successful man,
Successful men buy houses not because they have nowhere to live,
Why else then?
They buy houses, say, to please their woman,
But I don't have a woman,
- You will, - What?
Such a man - without a woman?
Such a handsome, intelligent,,,
,,, and brave man!
Believe me, women should faint at your feet,
You know,
I would have done this long ago,,,
,,, but for Podberezov, Now this obstacle doesn't exist!
Now the two loving hearts,,,
,,, can be together and beat in unison!
- What do you mean? - What I mean?
Your tigress is hungry!
Wait, wait, Peter,
What about my house? Are you buying it or not?
Oh yes, my queen,
I'm buying it,
Oops, Sorry, guys,
My sugar boy,
- What's going on here? - Peter, meet my Mom,
- Mom, this is Peter, - Peter!
You touched her - you must marry her now,
I'm saying this as her brother,
- When will you get married? - What do you mean?
You had the cheek to pick this sweet berry,,,
,,, and get into bed with her, ,,,
,,, but you refuse to marry her?
Peter, don't you want our hearts to beat un unison?
Of course I do,
Then we'll get married there and then, ,,,
,,, to avoid any rumors,
It will be a quiet wedding party,
Only you and I and my relatives,
Peter, put down your signature here and here,
- Who are you? - The Cupid,
Put your signature and the date,
- Yes, Peter darling, - And what is this?
The bill of sale and the marriage contract,
Peter darling, and then we'll have a magic wedding night, ,,,
,,, in your case - the first one,
Or, if you wish - a whole wedding day!
I'd like to discuss it with my mom,
Sure, First you sign this, ,,,
,,, and then you can discuss it,
But I've no pen,
Here you go,
Hang it all!
My dear brother-in-law!
Atta boy! I love you!
Now I'm your in-law mother!
I declare you wife and husband!
I can' believe it,,,
Freedom!
Gosh,,,
I'm free! Happy New Year!
Damn,,,
Open your mouth, darling,
Here's to the newly-weds!
Kiss the bride!
Come on, one, two!,,,
- Happy New Year, sir, - Yes!
Happy New Year!
Thanks,
Yes, Vilen Kimovich,
He was interviewed and then released,
Only after that he disappeared,
No one can find him,
Aha,
The word is that he has left abroad,
Yes, Vilen Kimovich,
Very well,,,
I see,,,
- Hey, you, dork, - What?
- You alive? - Yes,
Why throwing yourself under the wheels, eh?
Because of you I'd,,,
You nearly,,,
Sorry, man,
I can see that you're on the run, I'll give you a lift, Let's go,
Merryville, I'll show you the way,
Only please be quick,
Don't go yellow on me, My car's quick as a monster,
Have you ever killed?
At least at your work?
I'd rather not talk about it,
Sorry,
What are you doing here?
We were told to be on guard,,,
,,, and not to let in strangers,
Have you got your wires crossed or what?
- Boss! - Boss!
You were released! How do you do, sir,
You came with a visit or what?
Good news, eh, What is it? A con's costume, eh?
Oh yeah, Masquerade goes on, Where did you get this?
Show me the bottle,
Will you take a drink?
Debiles, Where did you get this bottle?
How dared you?
- It's your present for our impec,,, - ,,,cable service,
Only it's an expired wine,
I mean the date has expired a very long time ago,
Expired? But it's,,,
It's Chateau Mouton of 1906!
There are only four such bottles left in the whole world!
That's what I'm saying, This wine’s crappy,
What are you nodding, eh?
I'll show you, you primates!
I'll make you suffer like the bloody all-suffering martyrs!
Giordano Bruno will be the happiest guy compared to you!
- Boss, We are not scared, - You morons, come here!
What about our impeccable service?
- You idiots! - Boss!,,,
- Just you wait! - He won't catch us! He's lame!
Get out of here! Get out of my sight!
We live in a free country!
Debiles!
Pigs,,,
And where is my car?
Where is my convertible?
What the hell is going on?
The instrument,
The pliers,
I can't work in such conditions!
Can't you two boars hold one little piglet?
Don't you teach us, It's not mincing pork for you,
Okay, let's give it some anesthesia,
Don't move, You didn't expect me?
Your Daddy is back,
Leave the piglet alone, you sadists,
Or I'll kill all of you!
Come to me, Snoutie,
Oh, let me go free,,,
Guests at the wedding,,,
,,,sang and danced,
What's going on here?
Igor!
Let me explain everything,
Let me explain everything, too,
After all, I'm in my own house,
You beasts!
Honey, Happy birthday,
Thank you,
- Diamond Special? - Well, yes, special,
From my collection?
And so? I can’t drink some petty Courvoisier on your birthday,
Courvoisier, Right,
And here's to Igor for Ira,,,
- Where is the,,, - What?
Damn,,,
An unexpected New Year's surprise,,,
,,, happened to Platon Koroedov, ,,,
,,, Director of Improvement,,,
,,, at the Department of Development,
A bribe of 400 thousand Euros in marked bills,,,
,,, and the compliment of handcuffs and police escort,
Mister Koroedov was caught red-handed,,,
,,, by law-enforcing men,,,
,,, in his own office,
And now, instead of Christmas holidays on the Maldives, ,,,
,,, the dirty official is in for a trip to the Non-Black Earth Belt,
Non-Black Earth Belt? Is it some kind of a resort?
I wanna go there!
Igor! Are you all right?
No,
I'm not all right!
No,
'Podberezov is a piece of shit!'
Aha, I'll start from him,,,
That homespun liberal,
It's time,,,
,,, to suppress all this opposition!
Igor? Have you fallen ill?
Come on, Put the camera here,
- Are you recording everything? - Yes,
Okay then,
By this fire action,,,
,,, I want to put an end to corrupt schemes of Podberezov,
- Do you have the lighter? - Yes,
Let the public know about this,
The game leaves the den to look for the hunter,
Howdy, brother-in-law,
Today is your lucky day,,,
,,, you've been dreaming about!
Come here, boy,
Put your camera over here to have a good view,,,
,,, of everything, Keep filming it, Come on,
At last I'm going to do it,
How did you call it? Performance?
Installation? Okay then,
Hold him tight,
Now your wish will be fulfilled,
- Let's begin, - No! Stop it!
Okay, eh,
Find some job, ,,,
,,, you, hedgeborn Trotskyist,
And don't you dare to come here again,
Podberezov, have you lost your mind?
Are you all right?
It was a touch-and-go,
Podberezov!
Igor! What's going on with you, can you explain?
I'll explain all right,
Aha, I bet it's Zuev,
I'll show this victim of hygiene now,
I'm starting to explain,
See? Bright and early,,,
,,, your groom came to our doors,
He brought a bouquet for you, that bloody shit-shark,
Give it to me, Give it to me!
- See? - Just in a neighborly way,
In a neighborly way? Take that! Take that!
You, Mister Watercloset! Get out!
May you drown in the sewage!
You are no neighbor to me!
Darned Roly-Poly!
Igor, what's going on?
You woke up on the wrong side of the bed or what?
I woke up on the right side of the bed,
That's why there will be no birthday party,,,
,,, and no New Year's party!
There will be no guests,,,
- ,,, - and no nothing! - Absolutely insane,
I'll break the loop of time!
Ambulance? My husband has gone mad!
He has nailed my brother to the pavement!
I will turn back the wheel of history!
Now he intends to turn back the wheel of history!
He grabbed the rifle and is raging about the sitting room,
Oh, no, he is not drunken!
Must be my mother-in-law,
I shouldn't let her into the house, ,,,
,,, and then nothing bad will happen,
Not to let her into the house,,,
Write down the address,,,
What?!
I can't believe it!
Hey, what's wrong with you?
Don't you hear the doorbell ringing?
- How come? - I arrived yesterday,
You were fast asleep, so we decided not to wake you up,
- And where's the horse? - What?
What? - The horse in the coat!
Ah, the horse, We put it in the basement,
You mean Ira told you?
I wanted to make a surprise,
And who is there?
Hold it for me, mommy,
Hold it,
Aha!
And here's a tales spinner!
So? Going to the seaside at my expense?
Get out!
Damn,,,
I didn't get you,
- Hi, - Hi,
So, who is ill? Who has the not so pretty symptoms?
Who is being inadequate?
- This one here, - Sorting out his presents,
I hate you!
Aha,
So, you are Igor Podberezov, right?
I guess I am,
And who are you?
You are not from my dream,
What dream, my dear man?
A lethargic one, Are you sick or what?
Oh, yes, I am very sick,
Igor, what do you think,,,
,,, about going to a sanatorium,,,
,,, for a couple of weeks? You'll calm your nerves, ,,,
,,, will take vitamins,,,
,,, and will enjoy jet showers,
And then you'll be fit as a fiddle, What would you say?
You'll just put on a jacket and off you go,
Off you go, off you go,
Hey, you, Mr, Powderpill, you nuts or what?
What sanatorium are you talking about?
You want to lock me up in a madhouse?
Tell your leeches to leave me alone,,,
,,, or I'll smash your head, you darned enema!
Let me go!
- The straightjacket,,, - Leave me alone,,,
- You holding him? - Don't you touch me!
Get him,
Wait, Ah, I know you! You are from the Prosecutor's!
Let's go quickly, I'm a witness!
- A witness of what? - A witness of everything!
Is he a member of the Sect of Witnesses or what?
He has gone mad, Though, he didn't drink at all,
But who are you?
I'm from the Prosecutor's office,
I've an order,,,
,,, to take citizen Podberezov for interrogation,
- Right, - Can't you see he's cuckoo?
He needs medical treatment
And it can only be done,,,
,,, in a special institution,
Don't you touch me!
I'm a deputy and a witness!
I want to go to the Prosecutor's!
I'm a very important witness,
I'll tell you everything about corruption,,,
,,, in the higher walks of power,
- Corruption? - Yes!
- In the higher walks? - Yes!
He's mad,
- Take him away, - You'll tell us everything, ,,,
- ,,, and I'll gladly hear you out, - Oh!
It hurts,,,
Oh oh oh!
Strings of summer rain began to sing
People hiding under canopies
But there is one man who doesn't hide
Walking calmly in the state of peace
Neither heavy rain nor thunderstorm
frightened him, a funny smiling guy
Walks away he oh so full of joy
Oh and my, he’s real mad,,,
Get in,
What a shame, You must get divorces urgently,
Today, on the New Year's Eve,
the deputy of the City Duma
Nikolai Podberezov had a nervous breakdown,
So now, instead of Christmas holidays,
he'll have to spend some time
in one of the city's best clinics,
We hope to see Mr, Podberezov well soon
and back at his work,
We wish him soonest recovery,
Look,
maybe we'll palm you off to Zuev?
Palm me off?
I'm not some multi-cooker at the flea market!
What an idiot you are!
Just think about this cool combination,
You sell the house to Zuev,
marry him and return the money,
People, open windows and look out
at the rain that flickers like mirage
Let us wish this funny smiling man
lots of happiness and bon voyage!
Maybe he's in love or maybe he
Saw a flock of birds high in the sky
Walks away he oh so full of joy
He is happy - doesn't matter why!
Walks away he oh so full of joy
He is happy - doesn't matter why!
It's good!
Translated by Svetlana Chulkova -
Subtitled by SubStudio on Mosfilmovskaya St, & DMSD -
Supervised by Oleg Lubske, DomMedia Holding -
The end of the film